Direct definition of Ego.

1.	the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.

2.	Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.

3.	egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day.

4.	self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego.

5.	(often initial capital letter) Philosophy. a. the enduring and conscious element that knows experience. b. Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul.

6.	Ethnology. a person who serves as the central reference point in the study of organizational and kinship relationships.

To drop or not to drop? I really have no idea. Ultimately, whatever happens, I want to know that I have done the best I could. Thats all.

This is probably another down peak of my fucking life. Hairball no more, relationship went haywire, and daddy lost my mommy hamster. FUCK MY LIFE. Why is all these happening? Sadih giler tau.
I'm completely lost, I dont know what to do. I dont fucking understand whats going on either. Whats wrong with me, or you? Ignorance is bliss, not. I dislike cold war. I dislike how you ignore me. I dislike the fact that you care but refuse to show. WHY?

I get it now. Ego is the cause of it, and only by dropping it will help. So, what now? Im fucking lost and confused and stress and am having a motherfucking god damn torturing headache.

Well, at least now I'm no longer clueless. Alot of thinking to do. Adios.

Thats it. Thats the end of me. I've never been called shameless in my life. This time, being called by someone whom I loved so badly, whom I cared for to date. Thats just awesome.

I dont know whats running on my mind. Truly, I feel like dying. For things I've not done, and for things I did for love. A wake up call, absolutely.

Im screwed completely. Can you imagine it? IN a week I was slapped by my mom and him. How painful it was, no one will ever understand it. If not for my inner will, I will definitely die and leave this fucking world.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I think I just lost a soulmate. Well, I understand but the feeling of loss doesnt feel good. I'm pretty certain it goes both ways. Nonetheless, whatever good for us both, shall be.

Good night world. Thanks for the bloody sudden storm which scared the shit outta me. Bye.

My blood is probably boiling at 100 degrees Celsius. Just when I decided to love my family more, my mom make it a point to change my fucking mind. Y'know what? I have absolutely nothing against anyone in the family. I just can't fucking stand it no more. All the fucking nonsense that comes out from her fucking mouth is just unbearable. Why should I even fucking bother? Since I'm a trash in her heart, I might as well be a true sincere trash than making a fool outta myself.

YES, FUCK MY LIFE.

I dont know why, but it got me thinking.
I've too many doubts bout almost everything.
Will you be sincere and true?

It might be a little late, but I've got my new year resolution!

1. Clear all my fucking debts ASAP.
2. Spend my money wisely, no cabs unnecessarily, and go for holidays!
4. Although I hate going to school, pay attention this term and score well for it. Same applies to higher diploma.
5. Love my family and my man more.
6. Live life to the fullest!

I hope this entry will keep me reminded for the rest of .. 365 minus 18 equals 347 days.

There you go, comes the end of a week and start of another. Well, definitely a simple Sunday spent. Dinner and movie with loulou at Jurong Point. Daybreakers might not be the best vampires related movie, but it was alright. 3.5/5 I would rate. This also revealed a series of must-watch movies in near future. I suck at names and titles but yea, I wanna watch them. Haha

On a side note, I've decided not to be in the competition. Its not that I'm not up to this challenge, but rather, I'm contented with my life as of now. I don't want no interferences.

Moments ago, I was chatting with Santos. I do feel him, in a way. See, whats the point of staying in a job if you're not loving it. Dragging yourself to work is just not the solution. Nonetheless, he's looking forward to Bali in April, good for him. He offered for me and loulou to join, but thats not possible unless loulou wants to go! Hee shall ask him tomorrow. I hope it doesnt clash with his re-service. =S


Alright, time for bed. School tomorrow. =(

xoxo, with love.

Too much of unsettled businesses.

First, Dream Team 2010. After months of unattended trainings, I'm honestly surprised to still be part of the team. However, I'm unsure. Unsure of whether I should remain in the team, or to leave for good. It's unfair to other candidates. They have been training hard, doing what they should. Me? Staying at home slacking my ass off. It's true that the accident had change my mind, but it was also the reason why it did. I'm really half hearted here. Not that I want glory, I already had, with or without this competition. Nonetheless, the trainers had assured my potential, hence wanting me to remain in the competition and to win glory amongst others internationally. I don't want to disappoint the people who have believed in me. However, I know its very much against my will. I was and I am reluctant to scarify my personally time, my studies and work. The school want me to compete, my mom wants me too. Grrr..tell me, what should I do?!

Next, the offer. Shaugh patrick scully offered me a job couple days back. Well, its good to work under Macro, thats for sure. He's somebody. But I'm happy in helipad, though it might not be the best. I'm satisfied. Probably I will turn this offer down. Y'know what, too many opportunities really do confuse people. Exactly what I'm going through now.

Lastly, everyone have decided to drop the incident behind. Bygones are bygones. Unfortunately, 2 months of effort still went down into the drain. Dont ask me why we're being harsh all the time. I dont have any fucking idea. Apparently we love torturing each other, doing things we hate to witness, and then eventually get mad with one another. Honestly, we're mad over nothing, we get upset over nothing. Its funny. Character clash I call. Its no fun but somehow we do it. Human nature? Backside itchy uh? haha

At the end of the day, I came with a conclusion.

" The hard and harsh made us cherish the sweet ever more."

I hope it does make sense to all.

And....what am I going to do tomorrow?

I thought abit of beer will keep me asleep till the morning sun rises. Sadly, I got up at this hour, amazing. I dont know whats precisely on my mind but its absolutely annoying cos a huge part of me is unaffected, I feel. Hence, I dont see why Im getting insomnia and such. Impromptu.

Perhaps, Im just in denial? Nope.
Or rather, I want it clean and straightforward. Yes.

But im not getting an answer.

It was only the beginning.

Holidays have officially ended. This is probably the last holiday for this year, how sad.

On a happy note, WAVEHOUSE TOMORROW BABBBBBBBBYYYY! wOOOhOOOO!

Master Bill on Mr.Tan, food and drinks. Simply awesome. I know I dont drink, I cant drink, but..its just too dumb not to! Grrr..we shall see. HAHA, damn school on Monday at 830am! I'd probably be late so it doesnt really fucking matter. Hehe

I hope I can sleep COS I wanna get up at 1130 later. Good é bye.

PS, I have finished watching 'Together'. Though I wish there was more, nevertheless, love the ending! Awesome awesome drama. (:

Contradiction is intolerable.
Ignorance is bliss.


Like you mentioned,
reality is bullshit.

With a blink of eyes, comes the end of holidays. 3 more days to the beginning of new school term. Sadly, this would be our last term in school before heading out for internship. How nervous! Im beginning to decide which hotels I should send my resume to. I think I will just send to every good hotels! Whichever accepts me, good for them!

Jokes aside, my wound is healing well, and Im so excited bout eating seafood once again. After 3 pathetic months going seafood-less, I feel like my body desperately lack of Iron and Sodium! Yucks. I'd be planning a bbq session at home! Cant wait just cant wait!

Thank God Its FridayThursday. Blu Jazz session with Evelyn, Terence, Lou Lou and Desmond. Hopefully It wont rain. Prior to that, Mom's appointment at Heart Center. I sincerely hope everything is ok.

Alright, time to hit the sack now. G'night!

xx

Butterflies and hurricanes. If only life is that simple.

Though 2009 is already a past, some things have to be brought forward. Bills Im talking about.
With rapid increase in times of visit to hospital, I foresee the need to have higher control of cash flow. Mommy cant go through these alone afterall. However, I have existing burdens to put an end to. Over a thousand bucks I own, I definitely have to pay back. But I truly hope this is the end, and that I would not need to face such financial problems ever again. Then, I will be able to work and share the burden of upcoming appointment fees mommy have to pay. I didnt forget the fucking attachment I have to go through. Its a fact that I cannot change, so I see no point complaining.

Perhaps I should really consider stepping into property during the one year internship. I do not think so I'd be able to continue working at helipad, my schedule wouldnt allow me to. Well, at least property is very much own time own target.

Its just a solution, an idea. Doesnt mean I will really do it. We'll see what happens.

Cash cash cash, I desperately need cash. Grrrr @#$%&%$
End of January, please come soon.

Ouh, and on a happier note, I'll be staying over at Serine's for 3 days! 22nd to 24th. How awesome is that, I might not work on these days so that I can have my lonesome time with the 3 darlings! Having said that, mmm..I think I still need to work! All becos I need moneyyyy. Darn!
On the 28th would be admond's 2nd event at powerhouse. Javian and Jinxing wont be able to make it. SO unless Boonyong and guys are going, I will give it a miss. =\

Alright, Im desperate to adjust my sleeping time. Hence, byebye, off I go to bed. (unwillingly)

xx

Hurhur, after several attempts to log in, Im here!

Unwanted late nights again. I thought I'd be able to sleep earlier and adjust to a regular sleeping and waking time. Unfortunately, was unsuccessful! Grrr.. School's starting in one week time and I foresee myself being late every single day. Bad as it sounds, Im really trying my best cos its my last term in school, punctuality have to be met.

Honestly, Im utterly disappointed with the school. Having told I wont be able to continue higher dip right away got me extremely mad. Apparently my plans are all unfulfillable. Damn shatec, why are the rules changing every now and then?! I dont care, Im gon check again with admissions on the VERY FIRST DAY of school.

Lou lou is sick! I hope he get well soon.

xx

I've been away for good, trust me. Though year 2009 wasn't awesome, its already a past. Thats the reason why previous posts are all being deleted. Here 2010, which means history is left behind for good, and its time to embrace the new year.
As much as I thought it would be, problems are undeniable. This post is not here to emphasize on it. However, it does help a lil which venting of anger or what not.

Things have happened. All I'm hoping for is, this issue will be forgotten over the weekend. When we meet again, it'll be for good and not for worst.

On a happier note, at least I got my reassurance which I was having doubts on earlier on. Cheers to that.

xx,
mych