Nothing lasts forever. True that. Something so beautiful has been put to an end. So soon I thought it was still fresh. All the memories seem like just yesterday. Overnight, it has become our history. I certainly miss him like shit, I cant deny. I miss all the time we had, all the vulgars we threw at each other. It was perfect. I never came across someone who's so similar. It's just amazing. I saw future, he agreed. However, I guess the only problem is- We met at the wrong time. Y'know what, I really cant complain much, I'm in no position to do so. At the same time, I hate to give my blessings. Well, I was once caught in a situation like this and I regretted it completely becos I did not take enough time for consideration. I just went in harshly and ended up regretting.

To date, no one ever forgotten the incident. Few nights back, arguing across the table, I realized how much I've hurt him. How much I've brought him down. That, I only realized 4 years later. Pathetic. I started wondering if I'm the cause of him today. He told me, " If not for you, I wouldnt be what I am today." (That is not a positive remark.)

I'm sorry A, I know sorry wont help much but I really am. I'm thankful that despite all that have happened, you still cares alot for me. I appreciate that, totally.

Back to the original issue, I've reach my limits. As much as I really want to wait for you silently. I ought to save some pride and dignity for myself. Take your time to think about what you really want. Although I'm not 100% certain, Im pretty sure you already have the answer. I'd be glad if you could stop denying and tell me straight at my face. It's been miserable.

All the best to you T. You have my blessings.

Till then.

"Okay dear, but you must know that right from the start, I really really love you and I'm not playing you at all. I really enjoyed all the times and all the fun we had together. No doubt about that at all. I enjoyed every moment with you. But Dear, right now I'm caught in this situation and I need to sort out my thinking and know what I really want. I know a sorry wont help but I really am. Let me sort out my thinking ok? Dear, I miss you. Good night."

This was what he told me last night. When I woke up, his pm was "All said and done, no looking back from now onwards."

Tell me, what does this mean. I'm so lost. ='(

Miserable much. I'm completely lost. I dont know what I should do. Distracting myself away from the picture of him in my mind, I seem to lose myself. Perhaps Serine's right. Compromising from the beginning is important, otherwise it'll never happen. However, if they are happy, I will give my blessings and leave the league. I mean it.

Expect the unexpected.

Recently, things' been rather sneaky. I dont know, just felt so. In my history, anyone hardly came by to remind me about choosing a partner. Just this week, 2 guys whom I dated came along reminding me about it. I mean, why? Random or what, I'm not sure. But certainly I felt some awkwardness when they do so.

Honestly, relationship is minor. Anyone can live without it. I dont see any big deal about having to live in one. I always thought being single is best for me, perhaps. Then again, time after time, I meet more and more people (guys in particular I dont know why).

Perhaps Serine was right. I'm unintentionally sending signals out to people. I didnt mean to do so, surely. I'm just extremely outspoken! Talking to the opposite sex doesnt mean flirting!

Hell, I dont know. Things are getting confusing. I dont need these attention from y'all. I appreciate the care and concern people are giving me. However, they have to understand a reply is an acknowledgement, not a green light to anything.

Well well well, What's God trying to do to me? I am harmless, really.

Penny for a thought, signing off.

你曾说不想有天让我知道
你对他有那么好
你说会懂我的失落
不是靠宽容
就能够解脱
我以为
我出现的时候刚好
你和他正说要分开
我以为你
已对他不再期待
不纵容他再给你伤害
我以为我的温柔
能给你真的愉悦
我以为我能全力
填满你感情缺口
专心陪在你左右
弥补他一切的错
也许我太过天真
以为奇迹会发生


我以为终究
你会慢慢明白
他的心不在你身上
我的关心
你依然无动于衷
我的以为 只是我以为

Well, its been awhile since I updated. I dont usually do so unless I have unspoken emotions or thoughts. As always. Recently, a lot have happened. Good or bad, I dont know. However, eventually it left me empty. Perhaps falling in love is just not my thing anymore. Perhaps, I dont even need them. Time and time again, I fall and hurt myself. I ask myself if it is all worthwhile, but I was never able to answer.

How about feeling like a replacement? How about living a beautiful lie? How about giving your all for something that will never turn out positive? Have you actually thought of it? Have you actually think about the consequences?

I guess not.